Laughing in the Dark

As soon as we're divorced, I'm going back to my maiden name. I don't wanna be a Cassidy. I want no ties to you except for B. Personally, I'm hoping you fade out of her life. You're not a good dad, husband or lover. You have 2 failed marriages under your belt. But of course neither were your fault right? M cheated and did drugs, you threatened to kill her. You couldn't even pass boot camp. Pathetic. You are a narcissist. I can't believe I put up with all your bullshit for so long. 10 yrs down the drain. You really suck as a dad you know? You can't even have B brush her teeth when she's with you because your head is stuck so far up the Troll's ass you can't even see the light of day. She must suck and fuck like a champ. Haha! She's had TONS of practice tho. Ya know, from when she was doing meth and heroin? Real winners you two are! You lost your job because of attendance or you just straight up quit. She's a 5 time felon. I'm so h...

Dreamcatchers don't work. Up yet again at 1am dreaming about you. In   10 years, I dreamt about you maybe 10 to 15 times and now it's every fucking night. You still have so much control over me. My mind, my heart. I guess I'm still hurting. I still can't believe you left. But just know, if you and your troll break up, don't ever come crawling back. I would be a complete loser, just like you, to ever get back with you. I truly loved you. Every day I'd look forward to seeing you after work. And you left me because you were sick of me "not doing my part?" That's the stupidest reason. I stood by you thru everything. You didn't do your part for years. You didn't take care of me for years. I hope I never meet a guy like you again. Ever. You are the worst and best thing to happen to me. Worst because you broke me, best because you gave me B. Guess what? I haven't self medicated in months. No drinking, nothing. I won't give you the power. ...

I FUCKING HATE YOU!!! What you did to me cannot be undone But in the end I'm free and you're fucking gone. You deserve whatever disease you get Just know I had nothing to do with it. Eye for an eye This is the last time we say goodbye. -You're dead to me- No more tears No more family No more fears You did this You left me Neither of us were innocent But you didn't need to cheat (again) I should've seen the real you from the beginning You never really were true even til the ending You're gone, you're with her You lied to me, but stepped down the ladder. I FUCKING HATE YOU!!! Bitch got herself a loser hahaha!

Ever since Feb 25th, I've been having dreams and nightmares about us. Even tho you are the enemy and there is no "us," in my dreams there still is. I go to bed late and wake up early from these dreams. It's become a ritual. I go to bed, dream, wake up several times and then just finally say fuck it and get up between 1 and 3am. Then I put on some music and have my coffee. I'm sick of these dreams. Maybe when I move on, like I'm trying my hardest to, they will become less frequent. I've met someone else. We're friends. B has met him. Maybe I'll meet boyfriend material someday. I just know I'm not moving on as fast as you did because I'm not looking for a good fuck like you were. Telling me your sex drive was diminishing because it had already peaked was bullshit. You just didn't want me and you didn't have the balls to tell me. But guess what? There's billions of potentials out there. There's always someone better than you. H...

I finally got some decent sleep last night. A whole 6 hours! I really think this blog is helping. I dreamt me, J and R were in New York and gypsies were entertaining us. No the J doesn't stand for you. J is a real man. J isn't a failure. J doesn't treat me like shit. He treats me well and I really appreciate him. It's gonna be real hard to trust another guy again. I don't wanna be controlled, I wanna be respected, I wanna be loved for me (not the fucking, head, cooking and cleaning), I want a real man. Do they exist? Right now I can't picture myself with anyone. I have trust issues. Gonna take someone who blows my socks off. You really did a number on me. My self esteem is back tho. There has only been 4 nights since you left me I didn't have nightmares about you. I can't sleep for shit because when I do, I dream about you. I hate it. I hate that the control is still there. Oh, remember that time you raped me back in 07? Right after we started dating....

From 2007 to 2018 we were together. We had a baby who I will call B. She was born Feb 25th. 10 years later, on her birthday, you left me. You left me for a Troll. I want you to know my mom did a background check on her and she's got identity theft on her record as well as drug charges. I wonder if she told you that? She's a meth addict. You have a wonderful woman around B. I'd like you to stop thinking with your dick and see the big picture. I stood by you thru everything. All the cheating, the homelessness, being a cheap ass and the lies. I was the only one married in our marriage. I took my vows seriously. I loved you with every bone in my body. Remember that time you raped me in 07? I didn't want to and I said no but you wouldn't take no for an answer, so I just layed there like a ragdoll while I was crying inside. That night I learned what "hating your guts" really meant. My love/hate feelings for you grew until the control took over. You were married ...

I hate you. I loved you. What you did to me You can't undo. You downgraded I deserve better You should be berated. You never loved me You never cared You held me down You had me scared. When I said I do I meant it with all my heart. You said the same thing But you were playing a part. Now you're gone I'm all alone I hope you're happy You turned my heart to stone.

Up at 1am Dreamt about you A nightmare really My brain can't forget you You held me down You took away my crown You did it To give it to her You're a piece of shit! Fuck you Fuck her Fuck your relationship Go fuck her and break your hip Dark clouds form over me I just want you to know I've found a new king The war has ended Far from the truth What a lie she said When she said I love you Now we are dead We are gone Turns out there are more You're not the only one!

Here I am again, Dreams about you. We've reached the end, What am I to do? This endless night, I know I can't, I know it's not right, What rhymes with can't? I'm tired of this, Why won't you go? Like this is endless, I just want you to know. In your head, In my heart, We are dead, Blood rains from these scars. They say I will be fine, They say I can do this, But that's just a line, You give to someone with an illness. You made me feel dirty, You made me feel lost. You had control of me, You'll never realize what you've lost.